As you read this, I'm on a plane heading toward my other home. I wonder how a person can be as torn in two as I am. In December I set out on an unknown journey. Heading towards the man I love and a country I'd never truly dreamed I'd see. I was leaving behind all I had ever known and my two amazing children. What helped on the plane that day was seeing Lars' face again, seeing his home, meeting his family...walking in his footprints and seeing the home that he loves. I was urging the plane onward just to see his face and feel his arms.
I have come to love this place. I have met wonderful people and have seen things that made me smile so wide my face hurt. I have seen the sea and it took my breath away. I have played the Pied Piper to a flock of hungry seagulls. I have seen buildings that defy gravity and walked on streets and sidewalks so uneven its like walking on waves. I have loved it all.
I have awoke every morning to blue eyes smiling at me and saying "Good Morning, Love" and I have gone to bed every night hearing "Sweet dreams, my love." I have had an arm to hold as we walk uneven ground and climb stairs to our wedding ceremony. I have looked into the eyes of a man that I KNOW loves me.
and now I have to leave him here as I go back to life in the US...
I know what I'm heading towards this time...and that is what propels me onward. The other half of my heart is in the USA...my Isaac and Lyllian. Isaac wrote me the other night and said that he can't wait to be in my arms...that is what keeps me going. My sweet boy who tries to be tough because he thinks that is what the world asks of him, but in his heart is tender and scared. My Lyllian who totters between being a princess and playing with toy swords...between a little girl and little lady. Friday night I will walk in my door and feel their arms wrapped around me and feel their kisses on my cheeks.
I'm going to see my family and my friends who are like family. I'll go back to work and drive a vehicle again (if I remember how).
No matter which way I turn in my life, my heart is breaking. I've been asked how I do it and, at this moment, I really have no idea. I feel like I'm on a knife's edge that threatens to slice me apart at any moment. No matter where I am in this world I'm never whole.
When I am next asked how I do it, there is only one thing I can tell them. Hope. Hope that soon my world won't be full of goodbye's and that I can be whole. Hope that soon my life will be full of my husband telling me good morning and tucking in my babies at night. Hope that the word 'home' won't be so confusing.
I have been privileged to experience what I have since December 27th. I've cried and laughed, felt true awe and embarrassment. I have been terrified and so happy that I felt like I'd burst. My world has been expanded and I will never be the same...and for that I am thankful. I have gained a family that I love and made friends that I'll never forget.
Thank you to everyone that has followed this journey.
-Kendra de Waardt-Hennis
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